Zombie Apocalypse: Bath Salts Investigated by Congress as CDC Denies Zombies Exist

As fears of a possible “Zombie Apocalypse” grow by the minute in light of increasingly gruesome reports of cannibalism, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention has been forced to intervene in order to preserve whatever is left of our collective sanity. 

“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” CDC spokesman David Daigle said on Thursday, after a string of strange incidents involving seemingly non-human behavior over the last week.

In Miami, police shot a naked man after he ate the face of another man on the side of a highway. In Maryland, a college student told investigators he ate the heart and brain of a dismembered body found in his home.

In Hackensack, a man stabbed himself and threw pieces of his intestines at police. And in Canada, police are searching for a gay porn actor who allegedly killed a young man with an ice pick, dismembered the body and then raped and ate flesh from the corpse.

And now even Congress has weighed in. The Miami cannibal attack may, if lawmakers have their way, be the final straw in the fight to making sure synthetic drugs such as bath salts and synthetic marijuana are classed alongside heroin and LSD.

"Looking at the Miami incident, we've seen people do some very bizarre acts on bath salts," says Florida Republican Rep. Sandy Adams, who helped push the Combating Dangerous Synthetic Stimulants Act of 2011 through the House last December. The bill would federally ban MDPV and mephedrone, two chemicals found in "bath salts," and dozens of other chemicals found in synthetic drugs.

Last week, the Senate passed a Food and Drug Administration bill that would ban many of the same chemicals. But so far, both houses haven't been able to pass an identical bill. The hang ups have been deciding exactly which chemicals to ban, and determining if there should be "mandatory minimum" sentences for synthetic drug traffickers.