Michele Bachmann: I Am America

My Name is Michele Bachmann, and I want to be the next president of the United States. Some of you would question my credentials, and whether or not I would be the best candidate to run against that tax-raising, international economy-participating, social security-supporting incumbent. Well let me tell you something, under my leadership, America will be restored into the glory of yesteryear. We will again rule the world with a Lutheran Star Spangled iron fist. You may have doubts, and you may think some of my other GOP opponents would make a better opposition to the socialist regime at hand, but let me tell you why you should vote for me.

1. I'm a Lawyer: Lawyers founded this great nation, and remain some of the most trustworthy honest folk you could ever meet. Some of our nations greatest patriots have been lawyers; Johny Cochoran, Robert Kardahshian, the Casey Anthony Defense Team, all the way back to one of our founding fathers, John Quincy Adams. 

2. America Will Dominate: There is too much talk of a "Global Economy." America is the greatest country in the world and we can't expect to stay that way by tethering our success to countries where they don't even speak the King's English. We don't have time to waste trying to play nice with global issues. Politics is like American Idol: We aren't here to make friends, we're here to win.

3. My Opponents Will Destroy the United States: In taking a look at the recent polls, it seems my fellow Republicans placed a couple of my opponents ahead of me. Oh America, how short your memory is. May I remind you that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. That's about two steps short of Scientology. You remember Tom Cruise's couch-jumping. Do you really want an older version of that guy running this great land of ours? He would probably try to cure the economy with his brain. Ron Paul? Brilliant man but I believe it's a "3 strikes and you're out" policy for attempts to be president. Sarah? We've already dealt with one president from outside the continental U.S., and I've got better hair. I'm the only logical choice.

So there you have it America. My three point fool-proof case for candidacy. Join me on my journey. Follow me in this fellowship. Offer me the oval office. Make Michele your master.

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