An absolute beginner's guide for the BDSM-curious
As we continue to get less uptight about what sex between two consenting adults is supposed to be like, more of us are letting our kink flags fly. Americans apparently engage in the BDSM lifestyle at a greater rate than any other people in the world. Most recently, our appreciation for films devoted to the topic that — whether an accurate depiction of the BDSM lifestyle or not — have domestically grossed over $380 million combined.
If you foster a fairly vanilla sex routine and want to start toying with BDSM, there are important tips to consider before appropriately and safely integrating it into your relationship. Here are just a few of the most important, according to a trusted authority on the topic.
Talk about BDSM to your partner before jumping into anything
Say you want to explore BDSM — which stands for “Bondage, Discipline and Domination, Submission and Sadism, and Masochism” and implies a sexual behavior that involves both pleasure and pain. But your partner has never mentioned it. Don’t expect to bring it up on Friday, and then by Saturday have your partner in a gimp costume, tied to the wall by a complex series of rope-knots. In fact, initially you might not even want to use the phrase BDSM at all, especially if you've never broached the topic before.
“I have an approach called ‘seeding,’” says Lola Jean, a dominatrix who leads workshops that aim to enlighten and educate people on how to live their best sex lives. The way you can plant a seed is to randomly tell your partner something like, “Hey, I was watching this documentary about these men who like women who throw them around and beat them up and they get off on it. Isn’t that interesting?” Bringing BDSM play up without directly asking to try it could help gauge how open your partner is to the concept. Pay attention to and respect their response and go from there.
When the time is right, casually bring the topic again. If your partner is receptive to how turned on you are by certain BDSM play, you can ask them if it's something they’d be interested in learning more about. Or more forwardly, “What do you think about trying something like that out?”
But you should proceed with sensitivity, Jean says. If you seem too eager and propose a rather extreme scenario out of the gate, it could feel too aggressive, especially if they haven’t tried restraints or other common BDSM practices before. (Keep in mind that something as simple as hair-pulling could be a BDSM-lite starter.) But there is, of course, the serendipitous possibility that they have been fantasizing about it too.
The number one thing to keep in mind when thinking about incorporating even BDSM, if you will, into your relationship is prioritizing communication and consent. That starts outside of the bedroom (or coat closet or wherever you want to get freaky), and has thankfully been at the center of most conversations about successful and fruitful BDSM practices.
Be aware of the manner and volume at which you communicate during BDSM
If you’re the prospective dominant and begin experimenting with your submissive, don’t be so quick to raise your voice. Save that for later, perhaps when the submissive party may be more comfortable with the interactions you've established. In the meantime, though, shouting could either take them out of the “scene” or, worse, it could intimidate them into agreeing to something they don’t really want to do.
“True dominance is knowing that you may not necessarily know what you’re doing, or what’s next, or if you’re doing something accurately, but having calm and patience, [regardless],” Jean says. While BDSM is personal and can include behaviors that come off as aggressive, Jean says that raising your voice — at least out of nervousness, fear, or for intimidation purposes — doesn’t usually exhibit a desirable sense of control.
As a counterpoint, utilize silence to your advantage. “If you can be comfortable in silence, that’s actually an act of dominance, because you can be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.” Jean sometimes tells her clients to “Dom like a strict mom,” because “moms use silence very, very well. They use silence and a look.”
Express which types of BDSM play you like and don't like
Whether you’re the dominant or a submissive, especially early in your BDSM exploration, Jean says to express, explicitly, what you do and don’t want early in the game. Saying "no" helps develop not only a surface understanding of what you’re into or not into in a given scene, but also trust.
Remember that if you tell your partner "no" for whatever reason, it shouldn’t put an end to the experimentation as a whole. It will likely just make you both feel secure and confident moving forward. In establishing boundaries, you begin to realize, “Oh, I can say 'no,' and it’s fine; it’s respected and it’s not the end of the world,” Jean says.
