Vanessa Bryant, McKayla Maroney, and Other Reasons to Hate the London Olympics

Culture
By Dustin Riedesel

The Olympics are the grandest spectacle of humanity's physical ability. The best part for us, the casual viewers, is witnessing our species' best athletes doing their best on the biggest stage -- a satisfying triumph for their lifelong passion and devotion. The second best part is seeing them fail miserably.

Hey, we're the 99%. We love the fantastically awful. How else do you explain gossip magazines, Roadhouse, the "it was real to me, dammit" guy, E.L. James's writing, wooden pencils, reality TV, or any Tim Allen movie not named Galaxy Quest? 

If you want to read about the inspirational pageantry of the 2012 London Olympics, that kind of thing is probably out there. But if you want to enjoy the delicious new "London Loathing" flavor of "Haterade," read on. Here are my 7 most wonderful failures of the XXX Olympiad:

 7. Stephan Feck Registers, a 0.0 Dive:

If you forget what success means, this is actually more impressive than winning gold in this event, a feat that belongs to someone that 90% of us can't name. The saddest part of all this is that Stephan's last name makes him too easy a target for lame jokes. His whole life should be focused on not being a "Feck up" -- just like how Scottie Pippen should have been focused on earning the nickname "Over-Tippin" Pippen.

6. Ralph Lauren Outsourcing Team USA Uniforms to China:

I want to hate on this, but I can't. Some reasons: 1) Those are sharp outfits no matter how French they look. 2) If there were ever butts built for white pants, it's the butts of Olympic athletes. 3) I had a suit tailor-made when I went to China, and the craftsmanship that sprang from that tiny man's hands was impeccable. 4) Most importantly, what's more American than keeping a fixed eye on your gross profit margin? I know my PolicyMic peeps all believe in outsourced labor. Am I right?

5. The Time Warner Show Guide:

 

 

 

 

 

I've often envied the responsibilities of a man that Chuck Klosterman deemed "the druid who writes the capsules for the Time Warner on-screen programming guide" (#dreamjob). He's a master of understatement and misdirection. When the listings of the XXX Olympiad fell in his lap, he used it to flaunt his personal brand of evil genius. I still haven't gotten over seeing what appears to be the height of pornographic athleticism amidst my Saturday morning cartoons. Also, Cowbella is a great name for a plus-size porn star. We really couldn't have used "2012" or "XXX" here?

4. Lazaro Borges Pole Vault Incident:

Classic Lazaro!

3. Matthias Seiner Drops A Barbell On His Dome:

There wasn't anybody who didn't let out an eyeball-bulging "OMG!" when the third Steiner brother had the scariest moment of the Olympics this year. I remember my first three thoughts. 1) OMG!  2) I don't think there's a worse way he could have dropped that bar. 3) I hope he's okay so I won't feel guilty for rewatching this on YouTube 19 times.

2. Kobe Bryant's Wife Doesn't Keep It Real:

This pic almost opened up a paradise to haters of the chast variety. It happened only days before the Opening Ceremony, and I thought we were going to drop a judgemental lense on the perverse nature of the Olympic Village. We didn't. Whatever. I'm not putting this on Kobe. I'm blaming Vanessa Bryant. Hey, Vanessa, you married a narcassistic goldmine. Either live with the choice or take your undeserved money. You weren't in the gym shooting those jumpers, Vanessa!  Your profits are coming from conflict jumpers if you bail!

1. McKayla Maroney, Keeping It Real:

I love McKayla Maroney. You know, in the non-statuatory rapist kind of way. McKayala definitely knows what "London Loathing" tastes like. She didn't win this silver medal, she lost the gold one. She's an avatar of ill will. She's lip-neering perfection for ever negative Nancy or pissy Paul who loves to hate. Thank you, McKayla, for showing us the real spirit of failure at the Olympics. If you're not first, you're last!