Bachelor Nation, we have reached the finale. Monday night, fans will see The Bachelorette's 12th heroine, JoJo Fletcher, waffle between two choices: Jordan Rodgers and Robby Hayes. They're the quarterback's brother and the former competitive swimmer, respectively. The frontrunner and the dark horse. Who will win?
More importantly: After JoJo chooses, what will happen? That's the big question for After the Final Rose, a reunion special airing directly after the two-hour finale. How has her choice sat with her? Will this all end in disaster? Or like Ben Higgins before her, will JoJo find her happily ever after?
Throughout the night, I'll be liveblogging the finale with Mic's Bachelorette recapper, Anna Swartz, and Bachelor enthusiast Jordyn Taylor. We'll be honest, cutting and question whether any of us are really here for the right reasons. Join us!
The finale begins in Phuket, Thailand, where JoJo is faced with her choice between Robby and Jordan. JoJo's family has joined them — including her mother, Soraya, who stole the show during Ben's Bachelor season. We start with Jordan's visit with the family.
Anna Swartz: I'm so happy to see JoJo's mom.
Kevin O'Keeffe: You loved her during the last Bachelor season, right?
Jordyn Taylor: My hot take:
KO: Well, they are having dinner. She has a chance to get her wine.
AS: Wow, she thinks he's really genuine. Maybe she's not the best at reading people.
JT: Jordan's family tradition is to embarrass each other, and I have a theory about families like this. I feel like families who can't genuinely express their emotions resort to showing their love through teasing each other.
KO: "He's a playboy," Mom says. She knows!
AS: "JoJo has trust issues with men!" Mom, you need to come get your girl and tell her that she's choosing fuckboys.
KO: So I'll call it now that we're getting a breakup on After the Final Rose, and they are setting it up hard. "Give me your word that you will never break my daughter's heart." Come on, mom.
AS: JoJo's parents are all over her trust issues.
JT: Do you think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy? They keep telling JoJo she has trust issues, and therefore she doesn't trust anyone.
AS: I think they'll like Robby more, but she'll choose Jordan despite her family's wishes. Unrelated but important: JoJo's dad's mustache is too small.
JT: His shirt is too tucked in too. Also, twist: Jordan didn't ask dad for her hand in marriage!
AS: I bet he does a last-minute call to the dad, a la Ben. My girlfriend just yelled, "What do you think this means?!"
KO: Wonder if they just omitted it.
Next, Robby's up to bat.
AS: Can we identify JoJo's mom's accent?
JT: Iranian. We just looked it up.
AS: What a potentially interesting part of her identity that we have no time to talk about in 10 weeks of filming.
JT: I know literally nothing about JoJo. What is her job?
AS: Robby's going to ask the dad.
KO: This fixation on asking the father's hand in marriage is so traditional and gross. Ben did this too, yes?
AS: Yep. Called dad on the phone.
JT: I think they're going to edit it to make it look like Robby does a way better job.
Robby recalls how he brought a custom wine bottle to his first meeting with JoJo. Then, he talks with JoJo's family.
KO: Mom's gonna love that wine bottle story.
AS: if you took a shot every time JoJo's relatives said "trust issues," you would be dead. Dead from trust issues.
JT: Robbie included JoJo's mother in asking for JoJo's hand in marriage. What a feminist.
AS: I was just typing the same thing.
JT: So progressive.
KO: This meeting with the family is making me kind of emotional? They love him, and he seems to love them.
AS: Oh, Kevin. Sweet Kevin.
JT: They are making Robby look really good, though. Either they're faking us out and Jordan wins, or they're making us think we're going to get faked out, and indeed Robby wins.
JoJo's family offers advice on which man she should choose. They're almost unanimous in their love for Robby and their ambivalence for Jordan.
AS: "Ultimately, she has to make the decision if it's Jordan or Robby." Yeah, mom. That's literally the point of this show. Meanwhile, JoJo's dad is 100% in love with Robby.
JT: Does JoJo even like Robby? Or did she just have to keep a second person around?
AS: The entire conflict here is, 'Oh no, I like Jordan so much, what am I going to do?'
JT: Do you think they tried to get Aaron Rodgers to come on the show?
KO: And instead settled on brother Jordan?
JT: No, to sit down with Jordan and JoJo. How much money did they offer him? How badly did Chris Harrison want to play therapist? Speaking of whom, why didn't Chris drop in on any fan viewing parties this year? Maybe because last time, drunk tequila mom tried to make out with Ben.
After mildly breaking down at her family's choice of Robby, JoJo goes out with him on their final date.
JT: I feel like JoJo's almost hoping for Robby to fuck up on this date so she has a reason not to pick him. She's praying that he poops on the picnic blanket, something, anything, just so she can not pick him.
KO: Robby's desires for his life with JoJo are weird. "Dinner finishing in the oven."
AS: "Faint noise of kids in the background."
KO: Not here for this!
AS: Why are they making meatloaf in Robby's fantasy? You can eat anything. It's a fantasy.
JT: Robby also likes chicken fingers, but calls them chicken tenders.
AS: Chicken tenders is sexier.
JT: Maybe that's my porn name. Chicken Tenders.
AS: Mine is Trust Issues.
KO: Mine is Right Reasons.
JT: Tight Reasons. Sorry, bye.
AS: Robby had to light his own candles!
JT: Chris Harrison doesn't light his own candles.
AS: Are they allowed to have sex? Since they already did?
JT: There are no rules. They're going to "get to know each other better." That's why Kaitlyn Bristowe was so great. She just banged everyone and didn't care who knew it. Love you, Kaitlyn.
AS: But then she did later! And she cried a lot. So many tears last Bachelorette season.
JT: This is true. Mostly from Nick Viall. And his 19 siblings.
KO: Guys, I think I hate Robby? I hate everything he has to say about his own life. It's so backwards.
JT: I hate Robby so much! Robby is the frat boy who came up to me at a college party and asked why there wasn't a men's rights movement.
Robby makes his final declaration of love, and JoJo at least seems into it. But is she just thinking about Jordan?
JT: JoJo likes the love Robby has for her. Which is not the same as loving him.
AS: The decision to set up Robby as the good guy of the two is a weird one. Because he sucks, too. They both suck! It's not like it's Jordan versus James Taylor.
JT: RIP James Taylor.
KO: The contestant's chances, not the contestant himself. (Or the famous singer-songwriter.)
AS: Robby really wants her to drop the L-word.
KO: No time, though: Aaron Rodgers is coming! I think?
AS: How many times can Chris Harrison say "Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers"?
JoJo wakes up the next day and goes out with Jordan on their final date.
JT: My fiancé just asked, "What's going on with this guy's hair? it's even higher than the other guy's!"
KO: Jordyn, your theory is that JoJo looked like she gave no fucks at the Men Tell All special last Tuesday, so she is clearly not engaged in real life right now, right?
JT: Yes, exactly.
KO: That bums me out, then. Because she's clearly in love with him.
AS: JoJo deserves better. But also, she deserves therapy!
JT: JoJo is still getting over getting dumped by Ben. She's not ready for this. At all.
KO: Getting dumped on national TV by someone who told you he loved you must be scarring, no matter how aware you are it's a reality show.
JoJo confronts Jordan about not asking her father for her hand in marriage. Of meeting her family, Jordan says he "loved it," like we didn't all just watch him squirm for hours.
KO: "I loved it." — Jordan Rogers, lying through his fucking teeth.
AS: "Your sister is a sweetheart. She talked so much." Why are these dudes so obsessed with dads?
KO: This explanation is such bullshit, and she is dragging him for it.
JT: She doubts if he's really ready, so he says he's "so much more than ready." What does that even mean? Is he already married?
KO: Weak sauce.
AS: He has absolutely, at some point in his life, said, "She made me break up with her!"
JT: I don't know. So he wanted to wait to ask for permission until Robby was out of the picture. That's not ridiculous — in the context of "asking permission" being something he has to do, of course. I can't believe its 2016 and the central conflict of this show is that Jordan didn't ask her dad for her hand in marriage.
AS: I feel like he's fucking with her.
KO: My feeling is that so far, this show is not being edited to the finale, but to After the Final Rose. As in, the editing choices seem to suggest the actual conflict will not happen at the proposal, but after.
JT: Interesting. Pulling a Jason Mesnick.
After their date, JoJo goes to Jordan's room to talk about his utter inability to string two words together in defense of not asking her father's hand in marriage.
KO: She is going to give him as many chances as possible.
AS: Accept that he sucks, JoJo! Who was the dude that told JoJo Jordan sucks? Was it James Taylor?
JT: I think so. Poor James Taylor. Remember when he stuffed fries in his mouth? I want a spin-off show where Wells Adams and James Taylor learn how to do dating. God, I can't even focus on these boring conversations.
AS: "I know, but you never know until you know." Wow, Jordan.
JT: Good football metaphor. I think Jordan just wants to bang. How badly does he just not want to have this conversation again?
Jordan apologizes and tries to make it up to JoJo, but the show heads to a commercial break with some trepidation in the air. Meanwhile, one conflict hangs over the show.
JT: Guys, what if, to prove his love for JoJo, Jordan repairs his relationship with Aaron Rodgers on live TV?
AS: Oh my god. What if he asks the dad on the live show, and then they have a second proposal? The possibilities are endless.
KO: And yet I'm bored by literally every possibility other than "she dumps him." In fact, let's use this commercial break to do predictions. Who do you think will win (if anyone, I should say), and what (if any) twist will there be?
JT: I say she picks no one, but Jordan somehow proves himself on After the Final Rose.
AS: I'm going to go with a wild card prediction: JoJo chooses Jordan, he turns her down, and then he comes back on After the Final Rose and tries to win her over again.
JT: We can all agree she's not currently engaged to Robby, right?
KO: She's not engaged to Robby. I do think she does get engaged to Jordan at the end of this episode, but she has dumped him since amid the playboy rumors.
The two men go to meet with Neal, who helps them select engagement rings for JoJo.
KO: Can Robby not wear flip-flops to his engagement ring meeting?
AS: He even took them off. Don't touch those diamonds with your flip-flop hands, Robby.
AS: Jordan is staring shirtless over his balcony. That's the face of a man who wants a spin-off. And he's gonna call the dad.
JT: He's making the call!
AS: "Get on a knee." They've said that so many times.
KO: Right, it's "get on one knee." That's the saying. This is driving me nuts.
AS: I bet he picks an uggo ring.
JT: They're all heinous.
KO: I want to include our food editor Kate Bratskeir's razor-sharp analysis here:
Each of the men sends JoJo a final note before the proposals.
AS: Jordan's going to win her over with this cheesy-ass note. You're better than this, JoJo!
JT: At least neither of them wrote her a poem. That's important.
KO: Can you imagine? "Roses are red / You gave me a few / But now I have / A ring for you."
JT: "Your name is Joelle / Good is what a rose smell."
And then, after one final commercial, the proposal.
AS: I just got a promoted tweet for Ben and Lauren's new show. Get out of my feed, Ben Higgins.
JT: What's it called? Home With the Higginses, or something?
AS: Happily Ever After? The question-mark is part of the title, not my editorial comment. Sidebar: Why are the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in the audience?
Robby emerges from his limo first.
KO: Oh, no, Robby.
JT: Bye, Robby! "My love for JoJo is as clear as that diamond I picked." He practiced that the whole ride over.
AS: This is tragic. Robby is so confident.
JT: But will she go home with no one? I hate this. I can't take this. His lines are so bad. "My heart yearns for you."
KO: She's stopping him mid-proposal. "I can't let you do that."
AS: JoJo! I'm losing my shit.
KO: "I woke up this morning wanting it to be you." Yikes. She's devastated and she's the one breaking up with him.
JT: I want him to say good things don't end unless they end badly.
AS: Why did she say she loves him during the breakup? Doesn't that make it worse? That was her whole thing.
JT: I feel bad for Robby right now, which means I must really hate Jordan.
AS: Robby said, "I gotta go." No, you don't. You're a former competitive swimmer, Robby.
JT: He should have breast-stroked away.
KO: So, as we wait for Jordan to do his proposal, is this the right time for me to brag that I called Jordan was going to win off just the contestant's bios?
JT: I remember that! Very impressive.
AS: We should do a bracket next time. Meanwhile, that one girl with the undercut in the audience looked so shocked. I want to be in that room.
KO: Was Lace in that audience?
AS: I hope she is. I want Lace to be anywhere and everywhere, all the time.
KO: Lace: Gone but not forgotten.
As if by magic, the Bachelor in Paradise commercial during the break featured a bit of news that shocked us: Chad from this season will be romantically paired with Lace during that season.
KO: Holy shit!
AS: Chad and Lace?!
KO: Lace and Chad! Chace!
JT: I might have to cancel my plans tomorrow and watch Bachelor in Paradise live.
AS: I don't know if I can handle Bachelor in Paradise.
JT: Yes you can, Anna!
Jordan heads to offer his proposal. There are just four minutes left in the hour.
JT: Seems like Jordan is going to win. Jordan couldn't win at professional football, but he won at reality TV dating.
AS: "I'm crazy in love with him." Uh-oh. She's ready. But is he? Are we getting a happy ending, then a twist on After the Final Rose?
JT: This is normal. It'll go fast.
KO: This proposal is a fucking sprint.
AS: She dropped the L-word. And meant it, I think.
JT: Despite my hatred for everything, I like this. I'm feeling feelings.
And with that final rose, JoJo and Jordyn got engaged. But what awaited their future in After the Final Rose? For that, follow us over to our after-show live blog!