With only a few days until Christmas, there is no shortage of holiday music on the radio ... some good and some bad.
The following is a list of the latter.
Here are 10 Christmas songs that are, without exaggeration, a direct affront to the holiday spirit. You have been warned.
1. Dan Fogelberg, "Same Old Lang Syne."
A song about running into an ex in a grocery store seems safe enough and I was with Dan right up until "I stole behind her in the frozen foods and I touched her on the sleeve."
2. Newsong, “The Christmas Shoes”
I dare you.
3. Art Mooney & Barry Gordon, “Nuttin' For Christmas”
Seems to me Nuttin’ is exactly what you deserve, kid.
4. Spike Jones & His City Slickers, “All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)”
This song is about as hard on the ears as it gets. Sounding more like Herbert the creepy old pedophile from Family Guy than a little kid with missing front teeth, I wasn’t sure whether to smirk or cringe while listening. I managed both.
5. Lou Monte, "Dominick The Donkey"
The chicken dance of the Christmas season, its rumored Christopher Hitchens considered listening to this on repeat before choosing a water-boarding expose instead.
6. Cyndi Lauper, “Christmas Conga”
Cyndi. Come the eff on.
7. Neil Diamond, "Cherry Cherry Christmas."
Thanks for wishing me "a very, merry, cherry, cherry, holly-holy, rockin'-rolly Christmas,” Neil. You’re the worst.
8. Clay Aiken, “Merry Christmas With Love”
To be fair, this is not far outside Clay’s wheelhouse.
9. New Kids on the Block, "Funky, Funky Xmas."
Complete with unexplainable British accents.
10. John Denver, "Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)."
A sentiment we can all get behind. A song we simply cannot.