'The Bachelor' on ABC: Double Dates and Romance Novels Tonight

The show that conclusively proves that marriage is a fallen, if not entirely failed institution, this week’s edition of ABC’s The Bachelor involves two one-on-one dates and a photo shoot, according to bachelor Sean Lowe.

The first date, with bachelorette Sarah, will be “an adrenaline, heart-pounding date that puts her out of her comfort zone.” I am already quivering with excitement; that much adrenaline is lethal.

The second date, with bachelorette Desiree, will involve “the full hidden-camera prank treatment to see if she has a sense of humor.” And that is interesting because the show itself is a prank treatment normally used to see if viewers have a sense of taste. The more intellectual and cultured audience, of course, watches this because people watching Jersey Shore and Honey Boo Boo are so trashy.

And, of course, let’s not forget to thank the show for its dedication to progression by showing that it is possible for a guy that dates more than one woman to be Prince Charming. There was once a time when men that simultaneously dated numerous women were considered scumbags or the proverbial “playas,” but, luckily, The Bachelor shows us just how far beyond those Stone Age times we are.   

Meanwhile, because ABC has to supplement all this highbrow contemplation of humanity with something a little more lighthearted, the episode will also feature a photo shoot with all the bachelorettes, with the winner earning the honor of featuring on the cover of a romance novel. I am certain that the work will be of the highest quality and a true display of literary mastery by a very talented author.

At times like this, we are reminded of Peter Weir’s The Truman Show. Feeding the voyeuristic desires of its viewers, The Bachelor shows us all the steps of courtship through hidden cameras, extended interviews and horridly invasive scenarios designed to incite something “steamy.” Now, obviously, the wonderful and classy individuals on the show don’t find these scripts and shower cameras to be invasive, so let’s not judge.

Also, The Truman Show predicted that there would come a day when we would see the world’s first live conception but I am absolutely certain that no one would be willing to do that for publicity or money. Absolutely certain.

Either way, anytime someone wants to argue that marriage is a “sacred institution” that the government must step in to regulate or preserve, this is the strongest argument against that delusion. As Chris Rock once said, “Marriage ain't sacred! Not in America! Not in the country that watches Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? or The Bachelor or The Bachelorette or Who Wants to Marry a Midget?”

So if the government wants to have any business dictating what groups can or cannot marry, they should probably resolve this matter first because if there is anything that makes marriage look like a joke, this is it. The alternative, of course, is for the government to just stay out of marriage, period, but they can’t commit such a horrid injustice to something so hallowed and sacred.

The Bachelor airs tonight on ABC at 8/7c.