Fox News Invents War On Easter

Nothing outrages Fox News like fake wars on Christian holidays. The hosts of Fox and Friends flipped their collective lids over the alleged "War On Easter." Gretchen Carlson, Fox's resident Peeps Bunny look-alike, could not contain her outrage over the scrapping of an egg hunt at an elementary school in Madison, Atlanta. 

The school informed teachers that they would not be allowed to hold an Easter egg hunt in the traditional sense as a way of respecting students' religious differences. This seems like a great way to ensure that all students feel included in school activities, but according to Fox News, this is actually something much more sinister. They believe it is part of the destructive political correctness damaging the country.  

Steve Doocy had trouble articulating exactly why he was so angry about removing the word 'Easter' from the school's springtime celebration, but he did say this: 

“I don’t remember a bunny in the Bible story. I feel sorry for those kids though they can’t say East…the 'e' word. Well, what if the teacher wants to talk about that big storm that’s moving up. You know, the [nor'easter]?” 

Gretchen Carlson added, “This is how it becomes so ridiculous. Let’s just call it Easter and move on. Next week, you don’t have to worry about it.” 

Yeah everyone! Just celebrate the Christian holiday that is possibly divergent from your own beliefs and get over it. According to the three hosts, children have a fundamental right to hunt for eggs at Easter. Some parents of children at the elementary school worried that the move by the school was going to limit their kids ability to be...well...kids. An angry parent wrote to the local news station, WHNT, to complain. “But even non-believers enjoy a good egg hunt, Kids need to enjoy being kids.” 

Think about all the childhoods that will be irrevocably damaged over the loss of the word ‘Easter’ in front of ‘egg hunt.’ We all know that one of the first moves any autocratic regime takes is to do away with egg hunts. First egg hunts, then freedom of speech, then arbitrary prison sentences. 

Before you go and pick up your angry-mob torches and pitch forks, you should know that the school isn’t taking away bunnies or eggs from the children of Heritage Elementary School. All the administrators are asking is that the ‘egg hunt’ incorporate other shapes alongside eggs and for the word Easter to be taken out of the activities teachers have planned. 

Now Fox News can go back to doing what it does best, ignoring actual wars.