In just a few short weeks Memorial Day, the unofficial start of summer, will be upon us. Planning on celebrating at the beach but worried your bikini-body isn’t up to par?
Feeling bombarded with a never-ending list of things you must start doing (exercising) and stop doing (eating) immediately to ensure that you’ve earned the right to don a bikini all summer long? Getting a little sick of the notion that getting a bikini-body requires more than simply putting a bikini on your current body? Yeah, us too.
Here’s our list of the most common and/or most ridiculous bikini-body tips that we’ve found and hope to help you forget.
1. Eat less. All year long.
Feel pretty confident about your body? You shouldn’t. Everyone can afford to lose at least 10lbs before summer and the key to losing weight is … duh, eating less. To get an early start you can deprive yourself of one thing per month leading up to summer or just drastically reduce your calorie intake all of the time.
If this proves to be too difficult or isn’t giving you the results you’d like, ditch food for a while and switch to a liquid diet, alcohol not included.
2. Exercise A LOT.
Thought you were in decent shape? Guess again, no matter what your body currently looks like you always need to kick it into high gear before you hit the beach. It’s particularly effective if you pick the area of your body you hate the most and tailor your workouts specifically to this area. The good news? There are bikini body workouts that target every possible part of your body you could hate — from your abs, butt, arms, and legs to pretty much your entire body.
3. Find your Fitspo.
Despite the troubling evolution of the #thinspo hashtag, short for “thinspiration” and the controversy it’s caused via social media as it has developed into a pro-eating disorder outlet, many bikini body tips we’ve seen include a suggestion that you find your #fitspo or “fitspiration” — i.e. a person whose body you admire and therefore work to aspire to resemble.
While #fitspo has developed as a seemingly positive alternative to #thinspo, this version of strong also happens to be very skinny, leaving many to question whether or not there is really a difference. Regardless of your feelings on the matter, be sure to find the inspiration for your ideal body in someone else, never in yourself.
4. Make sure you arrive at the beach with “beachy” hair.
“Beachy” hair is not simply what happens to your hair after you’ve gone for a dip in the ocean. Make sure to curl your hair with a curling iron and salt spray before you get to the beach. Really want to take a running start into water? Too bad, don’t risk getting your hair wet. You might get some actual salt water in your hair.
5. Rub baking soda all over your face.
As a cost-friendly alternative to microdermabrasion you can mix up your own face wash of baking soda and water at home before you hit the beach. It’s too bad the beach isn’t filled with a natural exfoliate you could use … oh, wait.
6. Avoid baggy clothes. All year long.
Getting a bikini-body is a year-long mission and as part of this mission it is your duty to force yourself to wear tight-fitting clothing. Love the whole boho chic look? Pick a new trend to follow cause if you always wear baggy clothes how will you ever know if you’ve gained a few pounds?
7. Set a posture check alarm.
“Think about tucking your hips underneath and tightening up your stomach as if you were going to be punched. Improving your posture will instantly make you look thinner — even if you haven’t lost a pound yet! — and train your body to hold everything in once you’re in a swimsuit. Every fifteen minutes, set an alarm for a "posture check" to train your body.”
Alternatively, asking whoever is with you at the beach to punch you in the stomach every 15 minutes is just as effective.
8. Tan, before you get to the beach.
Silly me, I thought that’s what the beach was for! Whether it’s a spray tan that’s sure to run down your body in orange streaks after a quick dip in the water or a few sessions in a cancer-box tanning bed, it’s your duty to get a tan before you get to the beach. For an extra touch, you can have even have fake ab muscles sprayed onto your body.
9. Freeze your fat cells.
Got a belly bump, love handles, or muffin top that no work out can seem to get rid of? Now thanks to a new non-invasive medical procedure known as Coolsculpting you can freeze those pesky fat cells away! Apparently applying gel patches to your problem area for a series of hour long sessions crystallizes your fat cells and naturally eliminates them from your body. Because ya know, if you can’t make your body fit a perfect mold, you just gotta do something about it.
10. Suck it in.
If you’ve failed to achieve a body fit for a bikini, don’t try to wear one. Make sure you get a 1 piece. And you’re in luck — Spanx has just come out with a whole line of ‘em.
11. Bonus tip: Forget all above steps, read this, laugh, and feel better about yourself:
It can be hard to be immune to bikini body pressure and feel confident in your own skin and body, especially after a reading a list of ten reasons why you shouldn’t be. And sometimes it can be even harder to take Inner Subversion’s advice as much as you may want to. But it’s up to you to find the balance between the body you have and the confidence you want and no matter what you are told that confidence comes from within.