You think your friends can be annoying? Try being friends with a Disney princess. Better yet, try being friends with six of them. Whether they're falling in love with a homeless guy or contemplating bestiality, these ladies and their problems are ABSURD. After reading this, you'll appreciate your friends a lot more.
I grabbed lunch with Ariel the other day — remind me to never do that again. The girl can only talk about herself. She doesn't shut up! It's like, just come up for air! (So to speak.) And don't even get me started on what she did with my fork.
Katie: I'm glad we're catching up. I'm actually going through a really rough time and-
Ariel: Oh my God, you're not gonna believe what I'm about to tell you: I've decided to become a human!
Katie: Oh God, Ariel. This is like last week when you wanted to get your shells enlarged.
Ariel: No, this is different. Last night, I saw this beautiful human on a ship. We connected. And I somehow knew — he's the one I need to spend the rest of my life with.
Katie: Based on what?
Ariel: I can't explain it. But I have to have him.
Katie: He's not one of your little trinkets that you can add to your treasure trove.
Ariel: I know. That's why I must go to him. On land. With legs.
Katie: So you're going to completely change the lower half of your body, abandon your family, and change your species on the off-chance that this random guy might be into you?
Ariel: We're in love.
Katie: What if he has bad breath? Or he's a weird kisser? Or makes bad jokes? He could be cruel, or dumb. He could be gay for all you know!
Ariel: Oh, stop, you're such a worry-wart. Things always work out for me.
Katie: OK, you realize that this guy eats your best friends, right? Like, on a daily basis, he's eating Flounders and Sebastians. Hell, he might even eat your tail if it's sautéed the right way.
Ariel: Then we'll become vegetarians. That's love.
Katie: Ariel, seriously, what is your deal? You're a daughter of Triton, you're an amazing singing talent, and you've somehow escaped the Ginger stigma. You're the girl who has everything — gadgets and gizmos a-plenty, whozits and whatzits galore, thingamabobs … I think you've got about 20 of 'em now? But you don't even care. No big deal. You always want more. Why can't you just be happy with what you've got?
Ariel: Because I know I deserve more. And you're not gonna change my mind. I already talked it over with Ursula –
Katie: THE SEA WITCH?!
Ariel: Don't say it like that. She's gonna help me. All I have to do is give up my voice.
Katie: Oh, well, maybe that'll teach you to listen to other people.
Katie: Exactly. Hey, can you not brush your hair with my fork? I'd like to eat my salad.
Ariel: Just ask the waiter for another dinglehopper, what's the problem?
Katie: I can't wait until you can't speak.
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it: Jasmine's a bitch. Been that way ever since we were kids. She was spoiled rotten. She would threaten us with her stupid tiger Rajah, and she never let anyone else in our group of friends wear belly shirts (yes, gold hoops). Which is ironic since I have it on good authority that she looked like this until about three years ago:
Image courtesy Banana split!
Anyway, I bumped into Jasmine at the market the other day, and I couldn't believe what she told me about her new boyfriend:
Katie: Jasmine? Wow, it's been forever! What are you doing in the marketplace? I didn't think you were allowed to leave the palace. I mean, isn't that why we always had to have sleepovers at your place?
Jasmine: My place? You mean my palace, right? I'm here to meet my boyfriend.
Katie: You have a boyfriend?!
Jasmine: Yeah, it's really serious and totally hot.
Katie: Wow. Well, tell me all about him!
Jasmine: Honestly, he's unlike anyone I've ever met. He's smart and kind, and he doesn't get mad when I show my face in public. He's just … shown me a whole new world.
Katie: What does he do for a living?
Jasmine: Well, he's kind of in between jobs right now. He's very entrepreneurial.
Katie: Sounds cool, like a hipster. Do we know any of his friends?
Jasmine: Well, he actually doesn't have a lot of friends. He's pretty independent. He mostly just hangs out with his monkey all day.
Katie: Ugh, is that what he calls his —?
Jasmine: No, don't be gross! He has a pet monkey. I know it sounds weird, but Abu is cool. They have matching hats and vests, it's so cute. Here, look at this picture I took:
Image courtesy Wiki.
Katie: Wait, this guy has a pet monkey … and he dresses it up every day to match his outfit?
Jasmine: Well ... I guess I've technically only seen him wear one pair of clothes so far. Probably a laundry day every time. (pause) So? What's the problem?
Katie: Nothing. Let me see that picture again? Hm, he's pretty hot. So where do he and his monkey live?
Jasmine: Oh well, he travels a lot, so he's never really in one place.
Katie: Have you been to his apartment yet?
Jasmine: Why are you asking so many questions?
Katie: It's just … he seems like a bit of a drifter. The scrappy clothes, the monkey, no job, he still hasn't shown you his place ...
Jasmine: He's mysterious. It's sexy. You're just jealous. As usual.
Katie: No, Jas, I'm just being honest — and honestly, it sounds like you're dating a con man. Or a homeless guy. Maybe both.
Jasmine: First of all, he's not homeless, he's between situations. And secondly, I mean, technically I'm homeless. I don't have a home.
Katie: Yeah, because you and your dad live in a PALACE.
Jasmine: Listen, I don't need your approval.
Katie: It just seems like you know nothing about him.
Jasmine: We're taking it slow! We've only gone on a couple carpet rides.
Katie: A carpet ride? Doesn't sound like you're taking it slow.
Jasmine: No, I mean, literally, a carpet ride. He drives a Rug.
Katie: A Rug? Is that like a Volkswagen?
Jasmine: No, he drives an Oriental carpet. See, look, this is us on our first date. We're holding clouds. I didn't know you could hold clouds!
Image courtesy Det Told Disney Wordpress.
Katie: Because you can't. Listen — great catching up, but I need to buy some figs.
Jasmine: Oh, it's fine. Aladdin should be pulling up on the Rug any minute now.
Jasmine: Oh, there he is now!
Katie: Wait, is he wearing capris?
Jasmine: Yeah, he's a hipster, like you said. By the way, I'm not sure I can invite you to the wedding. Everyone's going to be there, but it'll be pretty exclusive. Bye!
Katie: HEY, HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE NIPPLES! I better get a f-cking invite.
Belle was one of my good friends in high school. I admired her — she was adventurous, smart, and selfless. And even though she was gorgeous, she never judged anyone by their appearance. That was lucky for me, since I had a club foot and a snaggletooth. Belle was ambitious, too.
She'd always make big, bold pronouncements like "I want much more than this provincial life" and twirl in a circle like this:
But then shit got weird. One day, Belle left town without explanation. Her absence was noticeable, mostly because she began every day by walking into town and making everyone sing about how unique and unattainable she was.
I don't know when this tradition began, but somehow we all knew the lyrics. Even the town sluts played along.
One evening, after weeks of silent, song-less mornings, I got a collect call from Belle.
Katie: Belle! Is that you?
Belle: Hi! Gosh, it feels like it's been forever.
Katie: Well it has! I miss your slightly passive-aggressive, condescending songs.
Belle: Me too, but you know, those were also the hallmark of a provincial life.
Katie: What does that word mean agai—
Belle: Listen, I have news!
Katie: I'll bet! Where are you right now?
Belle: Well, it's kind of a weird story. Basically, my crazy inventor dad was taken hostage by this beast deep in the forest, but I was able to convince the beast to let me stay in my dad's place. So I'm a prisoner in his castle now.
Katie: Wait, what? I thought you were finally off on your big adventure — backpacking through Europe or doing Teach for America.
Belle: I'm in a castle. This is way better. And all the dishes and furniture can talk.
Katie: Well. Sounds like your imagination can really roam free there. So, what do you do during the day?
Belle: Well, yesterday the Beast and I had a snowball fight, and the candle and the clock and the teapot watched.
Belle: You still there?
Katie: … Yup.
Belle: Oh, and the food here is incredible. I swear I've gained like 5 pounds already. The dishes put on quite the show — much more impressive than the provincial town theatre we're used to. And there's an amazing library. You know how much I love to read.
Katie: Yeah. And, what's this guy like? I think I misheard you — it sounded like you said he's a beast. Ha ha.
Belle: Oh yeah, no, he's a beast.
Katie: Like, he's hairy? Or a big guy? Crazy in bed?
Belle: No, I meant he's a completely different species from us. I think it might be some kind of condition or a spell, but I haven't asked yet. He can be a little moody.
Katie: OK, Belle, I'm really worried about you. I think you should come home.
Belle: Don't be silly! I'll admit, the first few days were rough — he locked me in a dungeon and then beat down my door when I was late for dinner — but it's actually kind of nice here. And that's why I called you. I have news: I think I'm gonna stay. I think I'm falling in love with the Beast.
Katie: You're in love with an animal?
Belle: He's not an animal! I mean, yes, he is. He has fangs and horns, he slobbers, and he's, like, 11 feet tall. And he definitely has an anger problem. He also has some secrets — actually, the whole west side of the castle is off limits. But the other day, I taught him how to use a spoon! Isn't that cute?
Katie: If that's what fulfills you, then why don't you just ... teach pre-schoolers?
Belle: Ugh, don't be so provincial!
Katie: I'm gonna look up that word once we hang up. But don't you think you're selling yourself short? I mean, maybe he's like … "castle hot." You know, like "office hot" or "zombie apocalypse hot?" It sounds like you don't have a lot of other options.
Belle: Listen, I called to share wonderful news with you. I'm in love with an amazing … thing. He's not just a beast. There's good in him. I know it. I've seen it. I choose to look beyond a person's outer appearance. You should know that better than most, Snaggletooth.
(Sidenote: My teeth were never this bad.)
Katie: Hey, I got braces!
Belle: You and the rest of the world might see a beast, but I see a friend, a protector, and the father of my children.
Katie: Wait, you did it with him?!
Belle: No, not yet, but I imagine it'll happen fairly soon.
Katie: I want to be supportive, but let me just ask you this — in all of your reading, did you ever come across the term "Stockholm Syndrome?"
One day, I got a phone call. The following is a transcript of my side of the conversation.
"Hello, Officer. Yes, I know Briar Rose. She's missing?! Oh my God. Of course, I'll give you any information I have. She and I are pretty close. She lives with three old ladies, and — wait, they're gone, too? Oh Jesus. Okay, well, sometimes Briar Rose and I grab a drink at the end of a long day — whenever I'm done with my back-breaking peasant work and whenever she's had her fill of playing with the woodland critters. The last time I saw her was yesterday. We were pounding beers at the pub and she was telling me about this random guy she met in the forest. Huh. Well, there's your first suspect I guess. Here's what I remember from our conversation:
Katie: Wait, he said what?
Briar Rose: 'We've met before. Once upon a dream.'
Katie: Oh my God, that might be the LAMEST pick-up line I've ever heard.
Briar Rose: I know! And I was like, 'Uh, sir, we have not met. I know this owl, and these squirrels, and that bird, but I do not know you.'
Katie: So he just swooped in?
Briar Rose: Yeah. Major swoopage.
Katie: Like, totally came out of nowhere?
Briar Rose: Actually, he freaked me out. I was just goofing off with my forest friends, dancing and singing and being silly.
Katie: Oh, you're still doing that stuff, huh?
Briar Rose: Eh, sometimes. Anyway, he overheard me singing, and I guess he saw an opportunity.
Katie: But you still danced with him, right?
Briar Rose: Yeah, I mean, why not. He was cute. And let's be real: I've been watching animals screw each other in the woods for over a decade. Those old cronies I live with never let me do anything fun, and I'm a few hours away from turning 16.
Katie: You're horny.
Briar Rose: I'm horny.
Katie: So did you give him your number?
Briar Rose: Nah, I wanted to play a little hard to get…
Katie: Good call.
Briar Rose: … but I told him to stop by the cottage tonight.
Katie: Heyo! So you'll see him soon.
Briar Rose: I hope he can find the place. I was kinda vague — 'meet me at the cottage…in the glen.'
Katie: I'm sure he'll figure it out. He'll hear you singing.
Briar Rose: Yeah. But I gotta go, those three nag hags want me back for dinner now. Could those idiots be any more obvious that they're planning a surprise birthday party for me? Look, there are sparks coming from our chimney right now.
Katie: Seriously. Alright, I'll talk to you later. And I wanna hear what ends up happening with the guy!
Briar Rose: We'll see. Knowing my luck, he'll probably be a total snooze and put me right to sleep.
Well, Officer, that's all I remember — by then I was about 9 beers in. I'm no cop, but it sounds like this guy went to the cottage last night and kidnapped Briar Rose. And the three old ladies."
Snow White recently moved into the house next door, and she has got to be the most annoying s.o.b. I've ever met. She's always making a racket — singing her clean-up jingles and whistling her stupid songs in that infuriating little voice. I don't know what those seven midgets see in her, I really don't. The other day I was gardening and she had the nerve to come up to me and start a conversation:
Snow White: Well, hello there, neighbor!
Snow White: Oh dear. You sure seem glum. Anything I can do to cheer you up?
Katie: You can stop whistling so loudly all the time. Maybe hold off on the singing until the sun comes up?
Snow White: Oh, you remind me of someone I know. His name is Grumpy, but he's actually got a very big heart. And I bet you do, too. Let's sing a song together about how fun household chores are.
Katie: Listen, we don't have to do the whole neighbor-y thing. I know where you live if I need a cup of sugar. Let's just leave it at that.
Snow White: Oh, but surely we should know something about each other. I'll go first. Well, I have lips red as the rose, hair black as ebony, and skin white as snow.
Snow White: And, um ... I live with seven small men. I do all their cooking and cleaning. I'm quite good at it. And I feel very ... fulfilled. Couldn't ask for anything more.
Katie: Hey, if you're so good at cleaning, then why is that one midget always sneezing? Don't you ever dust?
Snow White: Well, I —
Katie: Yeah. Riddle me that.
Snow White: I'll be going now.
That was the last time I saw her. Actually, I heard she ate a bad piece of fruit and died. It's sad, but I gotta say — the neighborhood's never been more peaceful. Except for that damn sneezing.
Alice: Duuuuude, I fell down this crazy rabbit hole last night. There was a talking cat and the Queen of Hearts was all like, 'Let’s play croquet but with flamingos and hedgehogs …'
Alice's family, Alice's friends, Alice's therapist, & Katie: Alice, this is an intervention. Your drug use has gotten out of control.
Alice: Why can't I be a princess like the other ones on this list? No one loves me!