Brian Boitano Gay: Queue the South Park Ballad!

Brian Boitano Gay: Queue the South Park Ballad!

By coming out as gay shortly after being appointed to the U.S. delegation to the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympic Games, male figure skating champion Brian Boitano is not only standing up to the oppressive homophobic policies enforced today by host country Russia. He is also putting Trey Parker and Matt Stone to shame.

Think about it: If you're like me, South Park: Bigger, Louder, & Uncut was the "Movie To See" when you were in high school. Even after it left theaters, it was the smartest, most hilariously subversive and iconoclastic gross-out comedy we'd seen in a long time. One of its key selling points, however, were the show-stopping musical numbers, such as the rousing pre-battle ballad, "What Would Brian Boitano Do?"


What would Brian Boitano do
If he was here right now,
He'd make a plan
And he'd follow through,
That's what Brian Boitano'd do.

When Brian Boitano was in the olympics,
Skating for the gold,
He did two salchows and a triple lutz
While wearing a blind fold.

When Brian Boitano was in the alps, 
Fighting grizzly bears,
He used his magical fire breath,
And saved the maidens fair.

So what would Brian Boitano do 
If he were here today,
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two,
That's what Brian Boitano'd do. 

I want this V-chip out of me, 
It has stunted my vo-ca-bu-lar-y. 

And I just want my mom 
To stop fighting everyone 

For Wendy I'll be an activist, too,
Cos that's what Brian Boitano would do. 

And what would Brian Boitano do,
He'd call all the kids in town, 
And tell them to unite for true
That's what Brian Boitano would do. 

When Brian Boitano travelled through time
To the year 3010,
He fought the evil robot kings
and saved the human race again 

And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids, 
He beat up Kubela Kong.

Cos Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from an-e-y-body

So lets all get together, 
And unite to stop our mom's
And we'll save Terrance and Phillip too,
Cos that's what Brian Boitano do.

And we'll save Terrance and Phillip too, 
Cos that's what Brian Boitano dooooo,
That's what Brian Boitano do.

Unfortunately, the combined villainy of Satan, Saddam Hussein, and the Canadian armed forces shown to us in the South Park movie have nothing on the real suffering caused by Russia's anti-homosexual laws. As my fellow PolicyMic pundit Katie Halper outlined in her brilliant article on the subject earlier this year, Vladimir Putin has banned literature that promotes tolerant ideas toward "nontraditional sexual attitudes and relations," beaten and arrested LGBT activists and protesters, sided with neo-Nazis in their attacks on LGBT advocates, caused the firing of employees and celebrities who announce their homosexuality (including TV personality Anton Krasovsky), banned the adoption of Russian children by same-sex couples or single individuals in nations that permit same-sex marriage, and announced that their anti-homosexuality laws will be applied to foreign athletes and visitors during the Olympics.

That last one deserves special attention here. Foreign athletes and visitors - including not only Brian Boitano but American delegatio headliner Billie Jean King, who is also gay — will be expected to follow Putin's anti-homosexual laws.

In short, Boitano just went from being a fictional hero to a real one.