Amber Heard painted a horrifying portrait of Johnny Depp in her first day on the stand

Warning: This article contains mentions of domestic violence and sexual assault.

Since the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial began in mid-April, the legal proceedings have been largely focused on things from Depp’s perspective. In court testimony that fans and voyeurs have been able to awkwardly watch live, the once A-list star of Hollywood’s pirate-filled seas sat cavalierly, often mocking the lawyers and the tedious exercise of combing through the detritus from his marriage to Heard. His testimony buoyed his reputation in certain corners — his first taste of redemption since Heard alleged abuse to begin with — as his indifference was turned into memes that spread around the internet, while Heard was exposed for her own forms of volatile behavior. But now it’s Heard’s turn to take the stand, and in her first day of emotional testimony she accused Depp of physical abuses and sexual assault.

It had already been established from Depp’s testimony that he had a substance abuse problem that fueled disturbing episodes — including writing on walls in blood after the tip of his finger was cut in a fight with Heard where a bottle was thrown. But Heard paints an even grimmer portrait, alleging that Depp referred to himself as a “monster” and hit her multiple times during rage-filled, jealous blackouts (Heard was also recorded admitting that she hit Depp as well, which was played during Depp’s testimony). She describes him as someone who was out of control, often falling asleep in “his own sick,” making everyone around him clean up after him. She accused Depp of making a death threat against her in a tumultuous fight that led to her leaving a vacation early alongside his daughter, Lilly Rose Depp, who witnessed parts of the argument. In her tear-filled recounting she also told an especially upsetting story of an incident in May 2013 when Depp allegedly ripped her dress and underwear in order to stick his fingers “inside” her. “He proceeds to do a cavity search. He’s looking for his drugs, his cocaine,” she said.

So far the whole trial has been both a distressing examination of the abuses that toxic relationships contain, as well as a circus of tabloid fodder as people get a front-row seat into two very famous people’s most private, worst moments.