Elon Musk had secret twins with a Neuralink executive

I wish I loved anything as much as billionaire shitposter and aspiring Twitter dictator Elon Musk seems to love having kids with multiple different women and then not telling anyone about it. Fresh off the accidental revelation that he’d had a secret second child with musician and failed house-boater Grimes comes new court paperwork showing Musk fathered yet another clandestine set of twins with Shivon Zilis, a top executive at Musk’s Neuralink venture (they of allegedly torturing monkeys to death fame).

Per the documents, first obtained by Insider on Wednesday evening, this past spring Musk and Zilis petitioned a Texas county court for “the children’s last name to be their father’s, and for their mother’s last name to be contained in their middle name.” Incidentally, the petition seems to have been submitted around the same time Musk’s 18-year-old daughter from his first marriage filed her own request to change her gender identity and name so as to not “be related to my biological father in any way, shape, or form.”

Seemingly in response to Insider’s reporting, Musk — long obsessed with some not-so-subtly fascistic theories of population collapse and birth rates — tweeted that he was simply doing his “best to help the underpopulation crisis.”

A short while later he accurately noted that the population of Mars is currently zero. Incredible stuff from the wealthiest man in the history of the human species, whose obsession with shoving things through tunnels and launching enormous rockets is in no way Freudian, nope, no sir.

According to the best estimates from scientists and experts in the field, Musk is currently the father of at least nine children — that we know of.