Without question, the best parts of every Overwatch event are the unlockable skins that you have only a few short weeks to earn. It's easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of these events — so easy, you might not spend the time to take a hard look at what Blizzard's serving up.
So let's break it down in a no-holds-barred style critique. Please join me, writer Ryan Khosravi and editor Amanda Farough as we pick apart every single new Overwatch Uprising skin, Project Runway-style, and gave it a rating out of 10.
Overwatch Uprising Skins: Genji's "Blackwatch" skin
Tim Mulkerin (TM): OK, so I really respect the cinematic parallels here with Hanzo’s left breast.
Amanda Farough (AF): Show your work, Tim.
AF: I just wanted you to upload that pic of Hanzo, honestly.
Ryan Khosravi (RK): They made Genji look super Terminator-y.
TM: We cannot discuss this skin without bringing up Genji’s terrible toe shoes. Why does Blizzard insist on giving its characters awful footwear? Is this a symptom of the overwhelming white, male culture at Blizzard?
AF: I was just about to bring that up. The toe shoes are abhorrent.
RK: I'm from Orange County and I can attest to the fact that every middle-aged white man wants to pretend they're adventurous.
TM: If you had to rate this skin out of 10, what would you give it?
AF: 8 out of 10. High marks for shoulder muscles, but points docked for toe shoes.
RK: I think 8 out of 10 as well. I’m here for robo-abs.
TM: I'll go higher, 9 out of 10. The wiry, cable hair does it for me.
Overwatch Uprising Skins: Tracer's "Cadet Oxton" skin
AF: Allo, cadet!
RK: If either of you makes a Britney joke, I swear to God.
AF: I already published that article, Ryan. We've moved on.
TM: OK, not to keep harping on the shoes, but… Tracer's Crocs now have VELCRO.
RK: Wait, show me the shoes.
AF: WHAT?! WHERE?!
AF: They're now Mary Jane Crocs.
RK: You know what — Crocs are the shoe for an independent woman. I'm here for it.
AF: She clearly doesn't give a fuck about the male gaze, which I'm all about.
TM: I give her a 6 out of 10. It's cute but not mind-blowing.
RK: Two out of two Crocs.
AF: I think she's adorable. 7 out of 10 — would snuggle with her on a couch.
Overwatch Uprising Skins: Widowmaker's "Talon" skin
TM: Speaking of the male gaze, I honestly really like this look. The purple ponytail is really working for me.
RK: I love the skin.
AF: So, I may not be versed on Widowmaker lore, so I don't understand the change in skin tone. Can someone please educate me?
RK: The villain group Talon stole her and slowed down her heart to make her a good sniper.
AF: Oh, so it's lack of circulation that normally makes her skin blue. OK, now that I'm on board, we can continue.
TM: But really, Blizzard just wanted a hot blue lady, let's be honest. They had to check that box.
AF: Let's talk about how on-point her hair is.
RK: I'm so here for literally the whole look. 10 out of 10, would wear to Fashion Week.
AF: She's a sass machine. Agreed. 10 out of 10. I would borrow from this closet. Especially for that low "V."
TM: I agree, 10 out of 10. This one is amazing.
Overwatch Uprising Skins: Reinhardt's "Lieutenant Wilhelm" skin
TM: OK, now for the snooze-fest of the century.
AF: Ugh. Reinhardt.
RK: OK, but what actually are his feet?
AF: Bananas. Boats. Banana boats.
TM: I appreciate that most of these Uprising skins look like X-Men uniforms, but this one is just really basic.
RK: But, question: Is his hair different? Because he looks 5% more daddy to me. I hate that I said that.
RK: Yes, it is different! OK, 5% more daddy confirmed.
TM: I have a hard time being sexually attracted to someone with a head the size of a lentil.
AF: I really dislike the yellow highlights. Like, a lot.
TM: I give this a 5 out of 10. It is the definition of mediocre.
AF: I'm bored by his skins in general, but this one could have been great. Instead, they chose to muss his hair and change his armor color. 4 out of 10. Snore.
RK: Yeah, he gets a 6 out of 10.
Overwatch Uprising Skins: Torbjörn's "Ironclad" skin
TM: All right, now for the only skin that matters: Daddy Torb.
RK: I'm quitting.
AF: Who knew that Torb had a cute chin?
RK: I'm happy that Torb is breaking the stereotype that being chubby and being muscular are mutually exclusive. But also, this scares me.
TM: The half-off overalls is a very seductive, Charlie's Angels-do-NASCAR-scene type of move — you know the scene I mean.
AF: I'm just concerned he'll trip.
RK: He reminds me of the white people I go on the other side of the train to avoid being next to. He's the type of white dude that asks me for directions in the city but I think is going to assault me.
AF: It's the tank, isn't it?
RK: And the facial hair.
TM: That is so rude and anti-blue collar of you. What’s wrong with a man who has a little dirt under the nails?
RK: Um, when they stop shooting brown people, we can talk.
AF: Not really my kinda guy. He'd have callouses, and I like a man with softer hands.
TM: Fair points all around. Final ratings?
RK: I mean, I think it's a good skin. 8 out of 10. I just would never want to be around him.
TM: I agree. 7 out of 10. I like the design but it lacks pizzazz and "wow" factor.
AF: 7 out of 10. He's going to trip on those overalls, but I like that he has a cute chin. (100% mom over here.)
Overwatch Uprising Skins: Torbjörn's "Chief Engineer Lindholm" skin
TM: Any strong or different feelings about his other skin, or should we move on?
AF: I like beards better. Always have. Always will. And I am such a sucker for a blond. But other than that: HE IS STILL GOING TO TRIP.
RK: His ponytail beards are iconic.
TM: The double ponytail beard is very Williamsburg hipster, though — especially in this context.
AF: I'll allow it.
TM: 6 out of 10 for me on this one.
AF: Still a solid 7 out of 10, because beards are best.
RK: I'll wear a ponytail beard with my Widow outfit — and, yeah, 7 out of 10 for me too.
Overwatch Uprising Skins: Mercy's "Combat Medic Ziegler" skin
TM: I am really feeling this look. The Louboutin reference with the red-soled shoe is on point.
RK: The only example of good Overwatch footwear.
TM: I've heard Mercy's haircut described as "bisexual." thoughts?
RK: I mean, I want her and Pharah to be together, so.
AF: OK, so, here's how I feel about the bisexual thing. Her hair is practical and stylish. It's feminine without being over-the-goddamn-top sexy. (Because that's not the point.) Also, her boots remind me of what Chanel was doing with its boots two winters ago. So, I don't know. "Bisexual" hair is kind of weird.
TM: Oh, Amanda with the deep cuts. I’m also unsure what "bisexual" hair even means. I didn't know that was a thing. This one is a 10 out of 10 for me, no question.
RK: 9 out of 10.
AF: But I love the skin so it's definitely 10 out of 10 for me.
Overwatch Uprising Skins: Orisa's "Null Sector" skin
AF: I am such a fan of this purple.
RK: Yeah, this is cool — I just hate that they take away her default eyes.
AF: Oh my god, me too.
TM: Yes, I totally agree. The best things about Orisa are her eyes and her horns, and all of her legendary skins change that! It totally makes her look way more generic, though I love everything else about it.
RK: Yeah, that’s probably why I only have the recolors of her default skin.
AF: The one thing I love about Orisa is her expressive eyes. I mean, that's part of her appeal. So, the fact that we don't get them here is depressing.
TM: Yeah. 7 out of 10 for me on the skin. Lost points for the lack of eyes. I get that this is a call-back to an older robot model, but still.
RK: I think 6 out of 10.
AF: It's a 6 out of 10 for me. She's not iconic Orisa anymore.
Overwatch Uprising Skins: McCree's "Blackwatch" skin
RK: This is honestly the most boring one.
TM: Really? I love this one. I think the attention to detail is really amazing. The black-and-red spurs, the laser sight on his gun and the Pirates of the Caribbean-esque belt buckle are really working for me.
AF: I love this one, too.
RK: I legit can't see a difference between this and his recolors.
TM: OK, first of all, he still has both arms.
RK: I guess I just want more from legendary skins.
AF: It's dark, brooding and I adore it. Secret's out: Amanda likes a bad boy sometimes.
TM: I think this one is another 10 out of 10 for me. I appreciate the understated black color palette combined with the attention to detail.
AF: This is a 9 out of 10 for me, but only because I'm not digging those boots.
RK: Eh, 6.5 out of 10?
Overwatch Uprising Skins: Bastion's "Null Sector" skin
RK: You can't make me care about this.
TM: I literally could have made this one myself in Microsoft Paint in 10 minutes. Eyedropper tool. Done.
AF: Bored. So bored. Again, points for purple, but SNORE.
TM: 2 out of 10. Too boring to care.
AF: 3 out of 10, points for purple.
RK: 3 out of 10.
More Overwatch news and updates
For more on Overwatch, check out the rest of what Mic has to offer. Here is a full explanation of the different types of health in Overwatch, the latest rumor of a Terry Crews-voiced Overwatch character, an update on that Mei ice wall exploit, a hilarious video of a play of the game involving the jump pad on Oasis, a roundup of the best Overwatch plays of the week, our definitive ranking of every Overwatch hero and a giant Overwatch FAQ for beginners.